Good morning! It’s Friday and Christchristmas is right around the corner, so I won’t keep you. Also, that’s not a typo, I call it “Christchristmas” because I believe in keeping the Christ in Christmas, and the word “Christmas” is so ubiquitous people don’t even stop to think about what the “Christ” part of it means, so I’ve added a second Christ to it for good measure. And yes, I realize people will soon get used to that too, which is why starting in 2025 I plan to call it Jesus Fucking Christchristmas–and if you don’t like it, there’s always Hanukkah, but have fun buying eight gifts.
Okay, fine, but I wasn’t kidding about the right-around-the-corner part, and with just a few days to go before The Big One you may be looking for some last-minute gift items. Fortunately, I’ve got you covered. Here are some great gifts you can buy right now without supporting Amazon or those greedy Mom and Pops!
Electric Wings Titanium E-Bike Cranks
You’ve heard of eeWings cranks; you know, the ones that cost over a thousand dollars and “reduce ankle fatigue:”
Well now there’s a version for your e-bike, and you should totally buy them for that special e-assisted someone on your list:
With the Electric Wings, riders can experience the lightweight benefit of carbon cranks, without the fear of damage from rock strikes and the higher component strain that e-bikes often create. Electric Wings are as light as carbon options, but significantly stronger, making them the perfect choice for those looking to invest in both performance and peace of mind.
I’m not an engineer, but wouldn’t there be less strain on the cranks if the bike has a motor? I mean I can see the rest of the drivetrain seeing more stress, yes, but why the cranks? I’m sure I’m missing something, and I’m also sure you’ll tell me exactly what it is. Either way, you should absolutely buy these cranks, because when your bike has a motor on it every gram still counts. Yes, they’re expensive, but you can’t put a price on ankle freshness.
Sixteen Pinarello Dogmas
“Born to race, no discussion,” says the Pinarello website. So why are we even talking about this? Don’t ask questions, just buy. And why sixteen of them? Well, why not sixteen? Are you poor? Stupid? Poor and stupid? It’s really not that much money. The bike goes for like, what, $15,000? So 16 of them is only $240,000. That’s less than a quarter of a million dollars! What else are you going to do with that money, buy some A-list horse semen?
Even then, the horse semen’s no good without another horse to put it in, unless you want to try it on your dog, but then one of two things will happen: either it won’t work, or you’ll have some sort of dog/horse hybrid that you can’t race at the horse track or the dog track, so you’ll just be stuck at home with your weird-ass horse/dog. Anyway, a quarter million isn’t even enough to buy a home in the San Francisco Bay Area. So just shut up and buy sixteen Pinarello Dogmas for Christmas. End of discussion.
Carbon Offsets
What to buy for that special someone on your list who has given up flying to save the planet? Well, you certainly can’t buy them airline tickets, and passage on the Queen Mary 2 is expensive; in fact, they don’t even offer steerage anymore, probably because it was too expensive to de-louse all those ruffians and vagabonds. So why not buy them a subscription plan for personal carbon offsets? You’ve already got small amounts of money leaving your account every month for stuff like digital storage, apps you haven’t used in months, and that dumb bike blog you donated to for some reason. Sure, it’s death by a thousand cuts, but in the meantime you hardly notice it, so why not throw some offsets on the pile while you’re at it? You’ll feel good about yourself, the people selling them to you will get rich doing nothing, and the world will keep turning for another five billion years, until the sun finally expands and destroys the Earth.
All Of Bird’s Assets
Yes, that’s right, scooter share company Bird has filed for bankruptcy in order to “facilitate a sale of its assets:”
This means there’s never been a better time to purchase millions of e-scooters for pennies on the dollar! A Bird scooter is the perfect stocking suffer, and if you buy all Bird’s assets you’ll have more than enough to cover everyone on your list: friends, nieces and nephews, in-laws, your letter carrier… Of course, this is a tech company, so with nobody to update the app the scooters probably won’t work in a few weeks. Also, being a tech company, Bird probably doesn’t even own the scooters, and instead leases them from some gigantic wholesaler and manufacturer in China or something. In fact, it’s quite likely the entirety of Bird’s assets amounts to just a few USB cables and a slightly semen-stained ergonomic gaming chair. But hey, you might as well line up with the rest of the creditors just in case. Who knows? And if these companies keep collapsing, by next year you could probably buy Citi Bike’s entire fleet too!
16 pairs of $6,400 Wheels
These are for the 16 Pinarellos, duh.
What, you were gonna use the stock wheels?!?