There comes a time in life when you must draw a line in the sand and have the courage of your convictions. The forces that conspire to control you will always attempt to do so in the name of “safety,” but to appease them is to surrender your very humanity. Wear a helmet, wear body armor…where the hell does it end???
I must say this is a stunning about-face for a man who prior to this was cycling shirtless:
Clearly he was taking a page out of Mario Cipollini’s book, which is hard to do since the pages are always stuck together:
Yet now he’s exhorting us to wear elbow and hip pads like hapless Rollerbladers:
So what happened?
Well, as it turns out, he wasn’t holding the handlebars properly:
So like most gratuitous safety advice, the notion that you should wear body armor on a bike is predicated on the idea that you’re an idiot, like requiring people to use personal flotation devices in the bathroom because they can’t be bothered to check that the toilet seat is down. Nevertheless, the fact that he’s only now learning how handlebars work would explain his prior spills, like the one in 2016 that inspired him to call for facial protection:
[Branson displaying the opposable thumbs he’s only just now figured out how to use.]
Incredibly it would be eight more years and another crash before he learned that you should actually wrap your hands around the grips. One can only imagine the challenges he must have faced when attempting masturbation as a youth. Now that he’s had this new breakthrough it’s entirely possible we won’t be hearing for him for at least several months.
But the real blame here lies on the trainer:
[I’m assuming that’s the trainer, unless it’s just someone really jazzed to be in close proximity to Branson’s crotch.]
Instead of telling Branson to wear body armor, perhaps she should put him on a more appropriate bicycle–something more slack and upright and with more tire volume. The solution to virtually every problem facing the aging cyclist–crashing, discomfort, looking ridiculous–is quite simple: get a Jones or a Rivendell. It’s important to grow old gracefully as a cyclist, and I’d be happy to offer my services to Branson as an “age consultant.” No, I won’t point at his crotch for his Instagram, but I will set him up on a bike that will allow him to ride without body armor so he can return to his shirtless ways. I’ll even help him with his next custom bike:
Trek may have made him his last one:
But just imagine a custom Space Rivendell with a galaxy-themed Joe Bell paintjob and a waxed canvas bag full of astronaut food:
Anyway, adapt your bike to your body and not the other way around is all I’m saying. Safety’s one thing, but if your helmet is slowly taking over your entire body you may be ignoring the obvious.
And, you know, use your thumbs.